I Read your blog with heavy heart, and felt your pain, my dear daughter. Have you realized that the reason the topic of God weighted so heavily on your mind was because He is pressing the issue.
I have come to learn that God wants to be known. He created us with the intention that we would know him. He has surrounded us with evidence of himself and He keeps the question of his existence squarely before us.
In fact, the day I chose to acknowledge God’s existence, my prayer made the most sense only to me. The underlying reason why atheists are bothered by people believing in God might be because God is actively pursuing them.
Just like you, night after night, feeling the steady, unrelenting approach of Him whom I so earnestly desired not to meet, reminds me that I am who I am because He believed I had the strength to do whatever I pledged to him to undertake.
I say the same prayers like a robot, too sometimes in a haste, sometimes mindlessly and most times out of guilt.
God is god, and we pray for his guidance to do only the best we can without being judged. Just like you, I have had dejected and reluctant moments, but He never deserts me nor criticizes my weakness.
Somehow, I realize that I have all the time to do so many other thins, yet spending at least five minutes to stay a decent prayer and talk to him always seems to be so difficult. Yet I continue to remember the words above grandfather’s prayer room, “God has time for you, do you have time for God ?”
These days I pray for y health because all the money in the world cannot help me buy that precious life line. I realize that I need my strength to give you, your sister and grandmother an existence worth pursuing. I have to stay calm, go slow and be patient to do so many things that are somehow out of my control.
No wealth in the world can make its owner any happier if he/she questions the length of his/her own existence. So, there may be bad days, or confusing, mindless, clueless, insane and screaming waking moments in your mind. Yet it is only with God that you can share them with. It is He who throws you a challenge, and He who shows you the wisdom of the choices you make for yourself alone.
And as I have so often said, school, college and university are only one chapter of your life that you are now struggling with. There will come other more difficult and serious chapters in time, and having the strength and believe in your maker often keeps you on the course you take in this journey called “life”.
Do not choose to only blame God when you feel guilty about your own selfishness and ignorance. When you question yourself, you are already acknowledging your guilt. Cherish your time with God because every minute of your time is special to him.
To believe is to have a personal experience with God. He speaks to all of us in our own minds. You may have your doubts and feel that you have this battle between you and God now. Pray in your heart and hold him in your thoughts. Seek his blessings for every single moment, no matter how good or bad.
When you are at peace with yourself, He will come to you just as silently as you go to him.
This articles taking from Star Mag…..by Kaleesh S